


Please Don't Change a Single Little Thing for Me

by leahburke



Category: I Wish You All the Best - Mason Deaver
Genre: Canon Non-Binary Character, Coming Out, M/M, Panic Attacks
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-17
Updated: 2019-04-17
Packaged: 2020-01-15 13:09:27
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,690
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18499624
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/leahburke/pseuds/leahburke
Summary: hello friends, a few months ago i entered a contest to win an early copy of I Wish You All the Best by Mason Deaver n I thought I'd post it hehe. This is my take on the opening of the book/ Ben and Nathan's first meeting, enjoy.





	Please Don't Change a Single Little Thing for Me

**Author's Note:**

> shout out to [alex](https://twitter.com/gayskuII) for beta-ing for me and helping me with a few scenes!!
> 
> the story title is a lyric from Loving Is Easy by Rex Orange County 
> 
> n also u can check Nathan's playlist to Ben [here](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/3MfydowJAf4BNZfRl5w1FZ). (credit to Mason duh)

Ben was not excited for today. To be fair, they hadn’t felt excited since they decided to come out as non-binary to their parents and that hadn’t gone particularly well, or well at all. Now they were stuck with their sister, who they barely had any contact with, and her husband, who Ben hadn’t even met before moving in. Not that Hannah and Thomas were bad, they weren’t,— they were kind enough to take Ben in, after all,— but being kicked out of the house and being forced to finish their senior year in a new school wasn’t what they planned for.

Ben wasn’t exactly known for their popularity, they’d always been a bit of a loner and their anxiety didn’t really make it easier to fit in. So Ben decided to keep a low profile at this school, to avoid sticking out more than necessary. Of course, that plan immediately derailed the second they got to their new school. As soon as they got to the entrance, Ben knew it wasn’t going to turn out great. North Wake High School itself looked like any typical high school: lockers in the halls (which Ben would most likely not be getting, considering it was the middle of the year), a cafeteria, a gym, a football field…

But all these new faces overwhelmed them almost as much as coming out had. Ben could feel everyone’s eyes following them, analyzing them like they were some weird alien that just landed on someone’s backyard. _You’re just imagining it_ , they thought to themselves. They tried to steady their breath and headed to class. As usual, Ben waited until everyone else was inside the classroom to get in themselves. They didn’t want to sit in the wrong spot and get yelled at or God knows what else.

They could feel their hands getting sweaty, their breath was already getting unstable and their heart was pounding. They could feel themselves starting to get dizzy and their legs getting shakier. They backed up against the lockers and let their body fall down to the floor. They put their head in their legs and tried to calm down. Their mind was racing; a million thoughts going through it, none of them good. _Focus_ , they thought, _you can do it. Just focus on getting through today._

The bell rang, bringing them back to reality. They took a deep breath, making their way to the classroom. As expected, all the seats were taken except for the ones in the front row. Well, there goes laying low. Ben knew from experience that being in the front of the classroom always brought more attention to you than you wanted. Teachers were closer than they should, you couldn’t even go on your phone without looking suspicious and you were asked questions pretty much all the time. It wasn’t like Ben was a bad student, they simply just wanted to stay hidden as much as possible. Right now, they just hoped they wouldn't have to do any sorts of presentation or deal with any announcements to their presence. Of course, they were proven wrong. As soon as the teacher, Mr. Anderson, entered the class, he cleared his throat.

"Attention, class," he called out, trying to get people's attention. It didn't work, obviously. For starters, Mr. Anderson wasn't exactly the scary type. Sure, he was tall and dressed in an authoritative manner, but he didn't really inflict fear. "Attention!" he said again, louder. This time a few students came around, sitting in their chairs and pretending to care about what he was about to say. As this happened, the teacher looked more pleased.

"We have a new student joining us today," he said. Ben took a few deep breaths. They probably wouldn't even have to say anything about themselves. "Mr. de Backer. He transferred here recently." Ben tried their hardest not to flinch at the use of the wrong pronouns. They were used to getting misgendered, considering they'd been closeted for a while, but they still couldn't believe they would have to get used to it on a daily basis. They held back a sigh, hoping that was the end of it. "Since it's the middle of the year, he's going to need at least someone's notes, to follow along with the classes. Any volunteers?"

Ben had talked to the dean about all of this. From what they understood, they were caught up in pretty much everything, they didn't understand the need of bothering some other student with that. It'd be a waste of time. "I don't mind," a voice spoke up from the middle row. Ben turned their head slowly to see who had spoken. In the last seat of the middle row, sat a skinny looking boy, not much taller than Ben. He had black hair that contrasted with his brown skin. He gave them a warm smile, which Ben easily returned. "Thank you, Mr. Allan," Mr. Anderson's voice sounded, bringing Ben back to reality. He turned to the rest of the students and started the class.

Ben wasn't fond of math. They hated it, actually. Which just made this situation more ironic, because they were good at it. Focusing was always a hard task but today especially it was even harder than usual. Everything was out of focus, Mr. Anderson’s voice sounded far away, they thought they caught the words “assignment”, “equation” ”value of x”, but they weren’t quite too sure. Every two seconds Ben’s eyes would turn to the window, due to the tweeting of birds, and they were pretty sure they blacked out for at least 20 minutes. Eventually, class ended. Ben was thankful to get out of the classroom and stare at something other than equations. They turned to make their way to the cafeteria when a voice stopped them.

"Hey," the boy from class said, the cheerful tone on his voice was followed by a friendly smile. Ben might not know this person but they somehow they could tell he was the type to make friends with everyone. Ben wasn't sure how to feel about that.

"Hi," they said quietly. They focused on their breath and tried not to feel too nervous.

"Nathan," the boy said. For a moment Ben completely forgot why Nathan was even talking to them until they noticed the notebook in his hand.

"Ben," they responded, with a small smile. For a second, things were awkward. Ben didn't know whether to shake his hand or nod and for the looks of it Nathan didn't either. "Here," he finally extended his arm, giving Ben the notebook.

"Thanks," Ben said, taking it carefully. The opened the notebook and looked through the pages. They weren't that far behind, as they suspected, but they still appreciated the help.

"Thanks," Ben said again, only a second later realizing they already said it before. "Nice handwriting," they said, trying to make this situation less awkward than it was already. _Trying_ , being the keyword, considering they were failing miserably.

"Thanks," Nathan said, his friendly smile never leaving his face. Ben was sure they spent at least a full minute without saying a word. They fidgeted with the hem of their shirt and tried to avoid eye contact.

“So—“ they both said. Ben let out an easy chuckle. “Go ahead,” they said.

“I was just wondering if maybe you’d want to sit together at lunch, considering you’re the new kid, I assumed you needed a friend,” Nathan said. If there were a thousand things Ben expected Nathan to say, this wasn’t one of them. Ben blinked a few times, to make sure they hadn’t imagined the whole thing. Making friends wasn’t exactly on their list, but if they were gonna survive the rest of the year, they figured they might as well enjoy it.

“Sure, that would be nice,” Ben said, finally, shooting Nathan a smile.

Lunch was the most mundane thing to ever exist and still, Ben couldn’t help but feel anxious. Why they didn’t know. The food was nothing too fancy, as it usually isn’t when it comes to cafeteria food. Today was just spaghetti bolognese. It was bad enough to have to sit in a cafeteria filled with unknown faces, but to eat in front of people made lunch three times as bad, hence Ben barely touching their food.

“You alright?” Nathan said. For a few moments, Ben completely forgot they weren’t alone. Nathan’s company was both nerve-wracking and soothing at the same time. Ben didn’t really like the fact that someone was watching as they ate, and they were pretty sure Nathan already had a list,— “Things That Are Totally Wrong With The Weird New Kid”— to which their eating habits were probably in the top 5. Still, Ben appreciated the company.

“Yeah,” Ben lied, “not hungry,” they mumbled. They felt a wave of panic going through their chest and suddenly they couldn’t breathe. They looked around for the exit, trying their best to steady their breath. They finally spotted the glass door at the end of the hall.

“Excuse me,” Ben said, heading for the exit. As soon as they felt the cool breeze in their face, they could feel their chest fill with relief. They took in their surroundings. The weather wasn’t hot enough to wear a T-Shirt; the wind let out a soft breeze but the sun was warm and Ben found comfort in it. They hadn’t noticed how pretty the school was on the outside. The walls were a soft marble, and the building was surrounded by grass and trees. Ben took in the view as they sat against the warm walls.

They started to let themselves relax just for a moment, but the feeling was swept away by the echoing footfalls behind them. Ben sighed heavily.

“Hey,” they heard a voice was quiet behind them, friendly but cautious. Ben turned their head up slowly, knowing what to expect. They crossed their arms and stared back at the floor, “Hi,” they muttered.

“What are you doing?” Nathan asked. The tone is his voice was careful, almost as if he didn’t want to say or do anything wrong.

“None of your business,” Ben snapped. As soon as they looked up, they regretted it immediately. Nathan’s eyes were filled with surprise and a hint of hurt. Ben took a deep breath “I shouldn’t have said that,” they said apologetically.

“No, it’s okay,” Nathan assured them. “Do you want to go back inside?” he asked.

Ben hesitated. Of course, they didn’t want to go back to a room full of eating strangers. They sighed, before speaking, “Not really.”

“Do you want to be alone?” Nathan asks. Ben usually wouldn’t hesitate to answer this; they enjoyed being alone, especially when they’re anxious. Most days they just enjoy the peace and quiet and having absolutely no one to bother them. They’ve gotten quite used to it too, but then again, they’ve never met Nathan before. Unlike everybody else, Nathan was friendly and very careful not to make Ben uncomfortable. Before they could stop themselves, Ben said “No,” maybe a bit louder than they should’ve.

“I mean,” they tried again, “No. You can stick around for a little, if you want,” a familiar grin grew on Nathan’s face. He sat beside Ben and for a second they were silent. For the first time in Ben’s life, it wasn’t the kind of silence that made them anxious or nervous or that made them want to get swallowed by the Earth, it was just comfortable silence that they could actually enjoy.

“So,” Nathan started, “do you want to talk about it?”

Ben hesitated. They didn’t want to push Nathan away after all he had done today, but talking about what was going on didn’t make Ben excited at all. They took in a small breath, “Not really… Is that okay?” they asked.

“Totally,” Nathan nodded, “No pressure.” he grinned. They sat in silence as the trees swayed with the wind.

Ben sat in the comfort of Nathan’s warm aura until the lunch bell ripped them out of their bubble. Despite feeling anxious about the rest of the day, Ben felt somewhat hopeful about whatever this was. Ben took a breath and stood to leave.

“Thanks...for this.” They muttered, avoiding eye contact with Nathan. Nathan ducked his head into Ben’s eyeline, at which point Ben noticed the gleam in Nathan’s eye. No one had ever looked at them like that before. They finally felt seen. 

“Anytime, I enjoyed spending time with you. We should do it again sometime.” Nathan’s grin bordered on cocky, but Ben knew there was no malice behind it. They nodded, fiddling with end of their sleeve. A whispered ‘goodbye’ signalled their exit to Nathan, and they both re-entered the building and went their separate ways to their lessons. For the rest of the day, a warmth resided in the back of Ben’s chest, along with the image of sparkling brown eyes and a reassuring smile.

 

***

As Ben headed to therapy, they rehearsed what they thought the initial conversation would be like, they would introduce themselves to Dr. Taylor, she’d probably ask why they were there, they’d have to go into the whole story, again. That was something Ben had been dreading; they knew it was going to be hard, but they also knew they’d have to face it eventually. This whole therapy business had been their sister’s suggestion. Hannah said "You have to deal with it, Ben. Plus, I already scheduled an appointment," and so, here they were, at the door to Dr. Taylor's office. Their appointment wasn't for another 10 minutes, but Ben figured it was better to be early.

As Ben waited for the time to pass, they replayed the day in their head. They supposed it could've gone a lot worse. And sure, they didn't eat a proper lunch, they blacked out mid math's class and were starving out of their mind, but aside from that, today was actually successful. Dr. Taylor cleared her throat as she opened the door of her office. A young girl, who Ben could only assume it was her latest patient, gave Ben a small smile as she walked out of the room.

"Ben?" the doctor asked. Hannah had told Ben her name but they struggled to remember it. Her voice was soft and sweet. She looked pretty young, no longer than 30 years old. Ben got up and headed for the door. They hesitated before going in but the woman showed them an inviting smile that put them a little more at ease. "Come in," she said. And they did.

As Ben sat down, they could feel their hands getting a bit sweaty. They quickly swept it on their ripped jeans and adjusted themselves in the chair. They avoided looking at the therapist as much as they possibly could. Instead, they looked around her office. They immediately spotted her Ph.D. framed on the wall, right by her table. The room itself wasn't too big, there was a small sofa by the window, against it was a small table, with water and what looked like magazines. Who would come to therapy to read magazines, Ben didn't know.

"So," she said, strands of her black hair falling to the sides of her face. Ben looked at her for a brief moment, before turning their attention to their knees. "I'm Dr. Taylor. I talked to your sister on the phone?"

"Yes," Ben said, with a brief nod.

"Hannah already sort of explained your situation to me, but I'd like to hear it from you if that's okay." It wasn’t, but Ben didn’t really have the guts to tell her that. They took a deep breath and cleared their throat before starting. _You can do this._

“Well, I identify as non-binary. I’ve been struggling with my gender identity for a while and I finally came to terms with it. It wasn’t the easiest journey and it took me a long time to accept the fact that I’m not who I’m ‘supposed’ to be,” Ben stared at their feet, trying to push the bad thoughts away. They started to remember the dinner, how they finally felt ready to let this weight off their shoulders, their mother’s smile was caring and tender as she passed Ben and their Dad a piece of bread. Ben remembered how their hands shook so badly they had to try their hardest not to drop the silverware. As they ate the sound of chatter and the soft hum of the TV filled the room.

Ben looked up for just a moment, Dr. Taylor’s welcoming expression still plastered on her face. “So, I decided to come out to my parents. I thought I was ready. I felt ready, but it didn’t go so well…”

Ben remembered the hard expression on their father's face, the hurt they felt when he told Ben to get packing. They remembered the disappointment in their mother’s eyes and how they refused to meet Ben’s. “That night I couldn’t sleep,” Ben said. “Or the next. Actually I haven’t slept properly since.” They could feel the tears coming so they looked down and clenched their fists. The whole room was silent for a while, until Dr. Taylor’s voice echoed in Ben’s ears.

“Being thrown out of the house like that,” she started, “it must have been really hard on you.” _You think?_ “being rejected by your own parents…” her voice trailed off. Ben nodded. They thought for sure that the next word they voiced would end in a full breakdown so they stayed quiet. That is until Dr. Taylor said, “How do you feel about it now?”

Ben swallowed their anger before scoffing, “What kind of question is that? It’s been less than a week!”

Dr. Taylor nodded. Ben sighed, “Sorry.”

“No, that’s okay. Please go on,”

“Um, okay,” Ben proceeded, “Today was my first at North Wake High, it wasn’t as bad as I thought, except for being misgendered by all of my teachers.”

“That’s amazing! Did you correct them when they did?” she asked. The thought hadn’t occurred to Ben that often. They cringed a lot at the use of the wrong pronouns but they didn’t see the point in correcting them when most of them probably wouldn’t even understand.

“Uh. I— No. I didn’t.”

“I see,” Dr. Taylor said. “Do you think you’ll be able to come out to them?” Ben was sure that the question was well-intended but it still hurt that she had to ask. After that disgrace of a dinner with their parents and the aftermath of it, Ben didn’t intend to come out to anyone any time soon. They cleared their throat before saying coldly, “No.”

“Why is that?” Dr. Taylor pressed on, carefully. Ben noticed earlier she’d been scribbling notes on her notepad but now she pushed the notepad aside as if she didn’t need to write anything on this specific topic.

“Being the new kid is hard enough.” Ben decided. “I don’t usually fit in, I can’t find a place where I belong and coming out,” Ben shook their head, “it would just make everything harder than it has to. I’ll just keep a low profile and see where it gets me.”

“I understand that,” Dr. Taylor nodded, glancing at her wristwatch, “Well, our session ended 2 minutes ago,” they both chuckled at that. They didn’t even notice the time passing as they got into their own feelings. “Is there anything else you want to talk about today?” she asked kindly.

“No, I don’t think so.” Ben said, noticing the anxiety they’d felt just before coming into the office had significantly lessened. They felt themselves relax at the thought. “Thank you,” they said.

“Of course,” Dr. Taylor smiled, “I’ll see you next week!” Ben nodded making their way out the door. On their way home, Ben decided therapy maybe wasn’t quite as bad as they had expected. Hannah might have made them go, but they weren’t regretting that decision.

 

***

The shrill ring of the alarm clock ripped Ben from their slumber. A moment of calmness enveloped them until the reality of the day set in. A glance towards their alarm clock confirmed their suspicions: they’d overslept. Panic clawed through their veins, fuelling them out of bed. They pulled on a t-shirt and jeans from the pile at the end of their bed, hastily swung their backpack over their shoulder and practically flew down the stairs.

Winded and red-faced, Ben stumbled through the main doors just as the bell rang. They rushed to their first class, ignoring the feeling lurking in the back of their mind that something wasn’t quite right. They brushed it off and tried to focus on the section of literature that was highlighted on the screen in front of them.

The rest of the lesson flew by in a flurry of words and pictures and colours, but Ben struggled to take any information in, their brain still adjusting to the unusual length of time they slept the night before. They remembered feeling safe, for the first time they had in years. Feelings of hope and belonging began to slowly sprout from deep within, and they felt the strong arms of sleep drag them out of consciousness. Unfortunately Ben didn’t have time to soak in the feeling of finally being well rested due to the rude wake up call. It was almost like they could still hear their alarm ringing.

“Ben?”

A firm voice pulled them out of their daydream. With a shake of their head they snapped back into focus. It wasn’t their alarm they were hearing: it was the school bell, and they were the last one left in the room with the teacher.

“Oh, sorry.” Ben fumbled to pick up their books and then stumbled out of the room. They began towards their next lesson before an uncomfortable and familiar feeling washed over them.

They needed the bathroom.

Panic and fear flooded their body. They’d usually make sure to use the bathroom before school and wait until they got home to use it again. It saved a lot of hassle and mental anguish. Of course, the late start they had today had put a dent in that routine. Their skin began to crawl. The bathrooms were only down the hall from the classroom they’d just vacated, but the pounding in their ears made it seem like a lightyear away. They managed to stumble past the last dregs of students heading to their next lesson. Now they were alone in the hallway.

Just them...and their thoughts.

They stood staring at the two doors. Oh how the general public loved to be reductive. Black and white, good and evil, wrong and right, male and female. People were so reluctant to acknowledge the existence of grey areas. It was so stupid. It did so much more harm than good. Ben had spent so much of their time struggling with their feelings because of society forcing them to choose. If you’re not this, you have to be this, you have to make a choice, you have to be put in a box. It drove Ben insane, having so many conflicting thoughts in their head. Life would be so much easier if everyone just learned compassion, tried to understand each other instead of causing conflict. Ben was exhausted, living in such a constricting world.

They didn’t know how long they’d been standing there, but it was long enough for the anxiety to claw away Ben’s insides. Their hands were balled into fists, their jaw was clenched and they felt like they were going to throw up.

A sudden wave of weakness overcame Ben and they stumbled backwards until they hit the wall, sliding down it and curling up into a ball. It was then they felt the tears roll down their cheeks. _Pathetic,_ they thought. Crying in the school hallways was a new low for them, but they had been torn apart. The constant fear that they would be shunned, battling against the need to be free and open about who they are took so much energy out of them, and coupled with the insomnia it was no wonder they were exhausted.

It was a little while later, after Ben’s anguished cries had retreated to soft sobs, when echoing footsteps caused their already jittery heartbeat to increase tenfold. They realised they must look pathetic but they hadn’t the energy to get up from their position. Raising their head from where it was resting on their arms, Ben’s glistening eyes looked up and captured some familiar brown eyes.

Nathan.

The anxiety that had ridden within them upon hearing the footsteps slowed. Ben usually hated being around people - especially being in such a vulnerable mental state - but there was something different about Nathan. His presence alone seemed to soothe Ben, something they’d never felt before. Though they were anxious about this budding friendship, they felt like they could rely on him. The boy occupying their mind had now lowered himself to the floor next to Ben, his legs were crossed and he was sat facing them. He hated to see people in pain, and Ben seemed like such a nice person, if sheltered, and Nathan wanted to help them find a place to fit in and be happy. Studying his friend’s face, Nathan wracked his brain trying to understand what would be best for Ben in that moment.

“This might sound weird, but are you okay with being touched right now?” Nathan whispered, wary not to make Ben retreat into themselves. The question took them aback. They’d expected a redundant question like “Are you okay?”, “What’s wrong?” or just uncomfortable silence, not this. They considered it a second before softly nodding their head. At their signal, Nathan shuffled closer and placed a soft hand over Ben’s. The warmth from Nathan’s hand seemed to spread throughout Ben’s body, relaxing them. Upon seeing Ben’s stiff composure soften at their touch, Nathan attempted another question.

“Do you want to talk about what’s wrong?” Nathan asked. In response, Ben’s breath hitched in their throat, before shuddering out. The pair sat in silence for a minute, allowing Ben to run through the pros and cons of coming out in their head. They eventually came to the conclusion that Nathan was trustworthy enough to confide in. Despite the small nagging in the back of their mind that it could blow back in their face, they decided to take the plunge.

“I- I identify as non-binary,” Ben paused, waiting to gauge Nathan’s reaction. He gave a supportive smile and an understanding nod, but kept quiet, allowing Ben to continue. “I came out to my parents a while ago. They kicked me out.” Nathan squeezed their hand. “I’ve moved in with my sister and I’m seeing a therapist but I still feel so...out of place. For God’s sake,” they gestured to the bathrooms with disdain, their voice cracking “I can’t even go to the bathroom here!” They could feel the tears coming but tried to hold them back, but couldn’t hide the quickening of their breath.

Nathan noted the signs of panic and tried to interrupt the process. “Hey, it’s going to be okay. Thank you for telling me, I know it must have been hard,” Ben nodded. “I want to help. I know we’ve only recently met but I can see that you’re an amazing person and you deserve to be comfortable here, just as much as anyone else - maybe even more so. I can’t make all your problems go away, but I can help solve one thing.” Ben looked up to find a mischievous look on Nathan’s face. They regarded him with a furrowed brow, wondering what he was going to say. “You may not know this but I happen to be somewhat of a teacher’s pet,” he paused to see if Ben was able to join up the dots, he was met with a blank expression and continued, “The teachers like me, if I ask them for access to the gender neutral teacher’s bathroom, they’re not likely to ask many questions. I don’t have to explain your situation if you’d rather me not, just that a student isn’t comfortable using the bathrooms. It’s not much but I think it’ll help you feel more at home here. What do you think?” He ended with a reassuring squeeze to Ben’s hand.

“You’d really do that? For me?” The disbelief was evident in Ben’s eyes, they’d never had someone care for them so much that they would go out of their way to help them. Ben was in awe. The situation overwhelmed them and this time they were unable to hold back the tears. They hated crying in front of people but something about Nathan was magnetic. Nathan pulled them into a tentative hug and let them cry their feelings out. Their sobs eventually dried up and Nathan released his grip. “That would be amazing, thank you so much. I’m sorry for being such a mess.” They let out a self-deprecating laugh.

Nathan got to his feet and held out a hand to them, which they gratefully took. It was only then they noticed how Nathan was taller than them, and felt slightly intimidated by his presence, but reassured by the beautiful smile on his face.

“You don’t have to apologise, I’m glad I could help. And thank you for confiding in me. I’d like to think that you can count on me if you have any other problems around here, or even if you just need someone to talk to.” Ben took a deep breath and nodded. They pulled Nathan into another hug and was surprised how strong his arms were. “You should head to your next class, I’ll meet you immediately after with the key to the teacher’s bathroom, okay?”

“Okay.”

With that, the pair parted ways to go to their next lessons. Nathan kept his promise and was waiting outside the classroom door at the end of Ben’s lesson. The key was cold in their palm, but made them feel warm inside. It was a symbol of better things to come, and they spent the day unburdened by the weight of their secret on the shoulders, having finally found someone to rely on. When the end of the day came, Ben felt happy, and their journey home seemed much less daunting than in the past.

Coming home to Hannah and Thomas still wasn’t something Ben was used to. The fact that they were always home by the time Ben got out of school was a bit suffocating at times, but today Ben didn’t even mind it. As they walked through the door they heard their sister’s voice coming from the kitchen. Ben heard the sizzling of the pan, but they knew it couldn’t be later than 5 o'clock so she wasn’t preparing dinner. Still, whatever it was, it smelled good.

  
“Hey! Welcome home,” she called. Ben made their way to the kitchen, following the satisfying smell as if it were calling them.

“Hey,” they said as soon as they got there. Their sister had an inviting smile on her face as if she was glad to see them. _Weird_ — but still Ben smiled back. 

“Here,” she said handing them a grilled cheese sandwich.

  
“Thanks,” Ben said, grabbing it instantly. They took in the smell and appreciated their sister's handiwork. Grilled cheese was one of Ben's favorites, and they were a bit surprised their sister knew that. Ben smiled as they picked it up.

“Oh, careful! It might be hot,” Hannah warned. Ben nodded, taking a plate from the dishwasher and placing the sandwich on it. "So," they started, noticing Thomas' absence in the room, "Where's Thomas?"

  
"He went for a walk. And I thought we could use the time to talk," she said smiling at them. They couldn't help but raise an eyebrow.

  
"Okay," they said, but it came more like a question. Hannah grabbed a plate for her sandwich and headed for the living room. "You coming?" she called. Ben followed, sitting next to their sister on the sofa. There was an awkward silence that seemed to go on forever. Ben fiddled with their shirt as they finished their grilled cheese. They heard their sister let out a small sigh as if she didn’t know what to say any less than Ben did but still she said, “How was your first week?”

Now was Ben’s time to sigh. “Well… “ they started. They didn’t even know where to start. Their week hadn’t been too bad, except for today. Nathan certainly helped to make things better.  “It was fine,” Ben decided.

“But?” their sister asked. Ben knitted their eyebrows, and Hannah gave them a look as if it to say _Come on, kid, I’m not stupid_. Ben sighed again. “I had a panic attack, earlier today,” they stared at their legs, lest they would see the pitiful look their sister was probably giving them.

“Okay,” she said, “how are you feeling now?” Ben looked up at the hint of concern in their sister’s voice. Her eyes were filled with affection.

“Better,” they said. Ben pondered whether or not they should tell Hannah about Nathan. After all he did help them get through today. “I made a friend too,” they said. As the thought of Nathan filled their head, Ben couldn’t help but smile. A warm feeling fuzzed in their stomach at the memory of Nathan’s reaction to Ben coming out, “He helped me through it.”

“I’m glad he did,” Hannah said, rubbing Ben’s back, “and I’m glad you’re feeling better. Remember what I told you, yeah?”

Ben nodded, “If it gets too much, just come home.”

“If it gets too much, just come home,” she repeated. Ben leaned against their sister, the warmth of her body giving them comfort.

“I love you,” Hannah whispered against Ben’s head.

“I love you too,” they replied. For the first time in months, Ben felt hopeful, as if deep down they knew that in time, everything would be alright.


End file.
